News - Why routine is important for a child? …so mom can stay SANE… Dr Melodie de Jager – Founder BabyGym
Why routine is important for a child?
…so mom can stay SANE…
Dr Melodie de Jager – Founder BabyGym
Seriously, routine is the everyday boring repetitive stuff that is the back bone of stability, order and sanity for both parent and child. The things that happen EVERYDAY without fail – like sleeping, eating, washing, toilet visits, play time and oh the biggy…tidying up!
As soon as my kids could walk we established a simple routine – if the sun is shining you are OUTSIDE – exploring, building, breaking, fighting, making a mess, eating mud pies, building tents, climbing up the unclimable and hopefully loving every moment of it. If it is dark or rainy – you are INSIDE.
What is a ‘routine”
It is a plan of how to handle stuff that happen everyday. It is like an unwritten manual for ‘how we do things’.
You see, the brain is a funny thing – it loves novelty and change and excitement because that stimulates the brain and builds more and more pathways throughout the brain and body joining the senses, brain and muscles and shows up in little eyes shining with intelligence. The brain thrives on hearing a fire engine roar down the road and racing to catch a glimpse, or waking up to the smell of freshly baked cookies read to be iced, or see a brand spanking new litter of puppies (much to mom’s horror of yet ANOTHER responsibility!), or finding mom’s favourite jar of budget breaking miracle cream standing open and begging for little hands to smear it all over every available surface!
All these unexpected and new experiences triggers brain growth and hits the excitement buttons to reach an all time high – uber fun! But these things are not the stuff that routine is made of.
Routine is what happens after the excitement to help everyone calm down. Like the brain the child needs excitement to grow and develop, but it also needs routine to settle down and relax. It needs rituals that lead to a feeling of calm and of being safe again.
Sooo routine is little rituals to introduce REST and clamps down on hyper activity. Like when going to a party…the wrapping of a present and uttering the word PARTY triggers the excitement, washing and preening fuels the fire especially if your little one has a choice of what to wear… the colors , colorants, popping balloons, yelling and running kids, sugar and jumping castles with a hilarious clown for good measure pushes the revs into uber fun mode – uncontrollable, wild and active…but luckily as Newton made clear…what goes up must come down!
The next step is your plan to get little bundle of excitement to calm down and hopefully to pass out…before the next bout of excitement…
It works like a bell curve 
Is routine a good thing?
Oh yeah, it is a good thing because it establishes a rhythm - a non-verbal cue that mom is back in charge! While in uber fun mode – child is in charge, when mom wants to bring little one down from the all time high, mom needs a routine that is a non-negotiable way of going from here.
Many years ago our family was on our annual holiday at the sea… 3 lovely little bundles of joy ranging between 3 and 6 with 2 very tired parents being cooped up in a sea facing(!) but non the less cramped holiday apartment during rainy season – the perfect mix for disaster!
Dad needed time out to read his book, mom brought at least half the playroom along (like all good mommies do…) and the kids were fed up ‘playing by the rules’. Toys were flying all over, children were shrieking, tempers were fraying – uber fun was turning nightmare! Luckily mom was studying psychology and knowledge to the rescue!
The books said if you want people to get along they need to establish rapport. Rapport means to move in unison – have you watched a couple in a restaurant when they are dr. Phil way ‘into each other and they laugh and pull back only to move in absolute unison forward in the same way? (to be continued)
Timing is everything
It means knowing your child and reading the signs when enough is enough. When is it time to tidy up, to wash hands, to pack up and leave?
It continues…mom thought if rapport can work for adults, it must work for kids! The 3 got bundled up and grabbed hands to cross the road in a mild drizzle…In absolute desperation mom tied the oldest one’s feet to each of the siblings – one on each side and said: “See the pier? Run there and back!”
Oh what chaos! They fell and cried and mom cried, but mom was at her tether…she cut the plastic bag tie around the feet and screeched:” I only want to see you once you can work together RUNNNNNN!” Sitting on the beach in the rain begging for some strength and wisdom mom closed her eyes and waited for strength and wisdom to arrive. When at last she opened her eyes the most amazing sight met her eyes – oldest has come to the rescue! He has grabbed his brother and sister around the shoulders and they were running in unison – rapport personified!
Routine is a rhythm
It is what you do together without thinking and especially without arguing.
What time is the right time to start a routine?
Best time to start a routine is when you are pregnant, because baby experiences your rhythm while in utero and if you hectic, baby is born hectic. If you have a routine in the last trimester, baby adapts in utero because remember – rapport means moving in unison!
Kindly NOTE baby has not read the latest book on establishing a routine!
Baby (and toddler) has his/her own internal rhythm and YES you were there first and feel little one must adapt to your rhythm, BUT you the adult here… You are the one with a relatively functioning brain here. You need to adapt and get to know your child’s rhythm and then you can change her rhythm.
You need contact with your little one to get to know her – skin contact, eye contact smell contact voice contact because once you’ve connected – you can lead.
What kind of routines / plans do I make
Routines or plans for the everyday boring repetitive stuff that is the back bone of stability, order and sanity for both parent and child. The things that happen EVERYDAY without fail – like eating, washing, toilet visits, play time and oh the biggy…tidying up and sleeping!
Your personality, life and culture will influence your routine, but make a plan with hubby on how you are going to handle each of these activities in the same boring way everyday – boring is good because it calms down.
A couple of suggestions:
- Eating
Eating is part of social development – how we as a family get along. It give a feeling of belonging. Wash hands and face, sit in a specific place/on a specific chair/ plastic sheet, play the same eating game and stop when child has had enough, wash and ready for next activity
- Changing nappies / toilet visits
When changing nappies put all the wipes and creams and nappies in the same place around baby, use the same products (the smells are very soothing – the emotional centre in the brain was once known as the nose-brain!), make eye contact and sing a song or say any silly rhyme, when you finish off pick baby up and say something like: oh you clean gorgeous
- Play time
Offer a few toys at a time – do NOT tip the box, they loose interest! Where can they play? Can they bang toys on furniture? May they jump on the couch? Play with your child and allow playing on their own. When you buy a new toy show them how to use it one at a tie and let me explore freely as well.
- Tidy up time
Tidying up is part of playing. I does not mean mom or au pair is to tidy up! If you take it out or if you play with it, you put it away…it is at the root of taking responsibility. Tidying up is not throwing toys in a box – it means sorting blocks from cars and dolls and putting it in a specific place.
- Washing
Water is the age old way of calming down an over excited / hyper active child. Use a sponge or some natural fiber to stoke body from top to toe. Wrap tight in a towel – it helps them to pull themselves towards themselves. Slow down your movements – it slows down heart rate.
- Sleeping
Both parent and child need enough of this! Sleep is life saving for parent and child. A tired parent is not always a rational parent…a tired parent may sometimes think of doing ANYTHING to stop the noise, the movement, the demands.
Sleep routine is probably the most important of all the routines. Be realistic about expecting a child to go to sleep at a specific time. Do the same thing every time – routine is boring, boring is good – it induces sleep.
Remove all stimulation, lower light, no TV, rocking works, a ‘blanky’ works, low sound works, lavender works, something to suck works.
…and what about when the family visits
Know you are in for uber fun followed by chaos. Allow a fair bit of it – it is important for social development and then routine time!
Some wise person once said the way to raise a child is to:
feed him,
clothe him,
discipline him (routine),
love him and set him free…
Melodie de Jager
Founder BabyGym Institute
Working...